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Death Threats and Insults, the First Decade

  Not that any of us are professional writers, but we do, occasionally come up with a hilarious turn of phrase. I have gathered some of the quotes that I think are the funniest things we have ever said. Each quote links to the review it came from.  

  Actually, to be more precise, they were LOUD-OUD-OUD-OUD-OUD. - Malimus

  The other two acts could been attacked by Klingons and i wouldn't care....
- PostLibyan

  So it was loud, and very underwhelming (and I woulda had two beers during their set except that beer was $4.50 a pop. $4.50 a drink? You've got to be kidding me....). - Tracers

  Did i mention that they had a female bassist? What i meant is, they had a half-naked female bassist. Seriously -- the girl was wearing what appeared to be a dressing gown that barely began to cover her legs, and that's it. For some reason, the Karl Hendricks tune I Forgot Something … My Pants! sprung to mind.
- PostLibyan.

  Frustrated by the Eskimos' three guitar lineup that refused to rock, I ended up wandering inside The Contemporary Art Gallery, where I was distracted by the art.
- Tracers

   I hate that shit. I hate the meandering pointlessness of the tunes. I hate the irritating hippy swaying dance that the fans do. I hate the rhythms that statically move in place, just short of doing anything interesting, but moving along all the same. In all honesty this music makes me want to punch someone. To grab a (poorly utilized) guitar off of one of the unsuspecting jamming musicians and start beating people with it while screaming, "Ian Curtis did not die for you to do this CRAP! Use your imaginations you robots!" - PostLibyan

  Sometimes i wish Colin Newman would wander around to clubs and just climb on stage and punch people for being idiots! - PostLibyan

  Will they be one of those rare opening bands that makes it onto my “to see” list? Or will it be one that makes me want to drink tequila shots until I’m green? - Tracers

  Okay, so: that first act was Faith Kleppinger, who does pleasant enough folk music. But she was, unfortunately, performing live in the 5th Circle of HELL! (That's where it gets hot, for those of you who don't know your Dante.) - PostLibyan

  Her guitar picking was quite good, but it was often drowned out by the wet blanket of her vocals. - Brillo

  OK, at this point, I had every intention of seeing Larvae with some of The Minions, so with a nice buzz and optimistic attitude, I headed to Earthshaking. Larvae, it turns out, is a TWO MACINTOSH band. Sober, I can handle one dose of electronica, but buzzed and in stereo, I was gone. - Brillo

 So we stood there waiting for Oh No! Oh My! to set up. As they were assembling their gear on stage, another band, dressed in dark slacks, white shirts, and primary colored ties, was assembling their gear just off the stage. This seemed like a remarkably smart thing to do, so as Tracers perused the schedule looking for the band name, i remarked, "Boy, look at those efficient Mormons! They will be ready to play almost as soon as Oh No! Oh My! clear the stage."
  She looked up quizzically. "Mormons?"
  "Sure," i replied. "They are in white shirts and slacks, just like Mormons. I bet they even rode their bicycles here."
  She looked at the schedule and frowned. "But they are from Michigan , not Utah. They are more likely Mennonites."
  "Those efficient Mennonites?" i asked. Which made us giggle, partly from the ludicrousness of the conversation, and partly from the shell shock of the long week. We stood there riffing on the efficiency of Mennonites, and how they are so much more organized than those slacker Amish. (It is okay to mock the Amish on the Internet. They don't believe in electricity, so they will never read me making fun of them.)”
- PostLibyan and Tracers

  This show was an episode of All in the Family without Meathead. - Brillo

  You know it's going to be a wierd night when your first view of "the show" is of women (barely) clad in RenFest Barbarian Wear doing the bump-n-grind to Tom Petty's American Girl. At that point, just grab a seat by the bar and sit back and observe the spectacle. - PostLibyan

  You haven't lived until you've seen a sensitive metalhead singing along, teary-eyed, to Joey. - Dilletante In Distress

     In general, I like my music loud and obnoxious. - Tracers  

  I don’t care what part of Western Civilization you’re living in; playing with Lemmy is pretty goddamned cool. - Malimus

   I mean, i like the Velvet Underground okay and all, but really people -- there were albums released after White Light/White Heat, and some of them are even good! - PostLibyan

  Music can be a religion, and I guess for most of us at The Sponge, it is. - Tracers

  One man's Meatloaf is another man's "Poison", unless you actually happen to be Alice Cooper, in which case it isn't. Are you with me? - Lawton

  If you own Autechre albums, just keep moving. It's really that simple. - Malimus

  Still, I honestly like this album. Even the worst of the songs are better than anything The Gossip has ever released. - Tracers

  Following a relatively new local band is sometimes like being team mother for the Bad News Bears. - Brillo

    It also sounds like something I would run screaming from while randomly hurling extra copies of Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath records behind me like some metal-head ninja warrior on the lamb from the Yakuza. - Malimus

  Yeah sure, I know these indie rock darlings are theoretically wearing their hearts on their sleeve. But the problem is, it's the same thrift store sleeve that every other emotionally sensitive indiebopper is wearing these days. - Tracers

  Here's a hint for you kids: all that early punk was about heroin. - PostLibyan


A man's relationship with his cat is a very deep and personal one. You wouldn't understand -- you are a dog person. - PostLibyan (speaking to Dilletante In Distress)

  You've got to like any CD with a picture of a cat on the back. More specifically, a cat that looks just like mine. - Tracers


  All of you emo kiddies don't really know the gnawing fear of having a senile, doddering old freak, a man whose best qualification for leading the free world was co-starring with a chimpanzee, holding the keys to your utter annihilation! - Malimus

 "Watch out. Lawton's on an acid flashback to 1971," I can hear you mutter to yourself. - Lawton

  Hieronymus Bosch -- a name guaranteed to take me back to my youth. No, I'm not old enough to remember the renaissance artist (who was called, "discoverer of the unconscious" by Carl Gustav Jung!) as that artist died in 1516, and I was only eight then. -- Indoor Minor

     Holy Moley! That is a TON of music! - K-Tron

  You'd be wrong, dead wrong, but you're free to be wrong if you like. - Malimus

  Like my girlfriend said, “Doesn’t anybody in Hollywood remember how to edit?” - Squid

  I think from now on I'm going to write all of my reviews as haiku. - Malimus

  Let me just confess this: i am hopelessly white. - PostLibyan

  "Whoops! To my surprise, "the girl who sings" is actually a boy! - Silvergeek (to PostLibyan)

  Having glanced over that review, I was clearly expecting a minor-keyed variation of some Elephant 6 monstrosity. - Tracers

  Again, marketing professionals must die. - Malimus

   This is the one song on which someone ought to have smacked Railey upside the head and asked, "What the hell are you thinking?" - Tracers

  So here I am. Planting that (pink) flag into the crisp white snow. Staggering along that French beach. And I'm exhausted. I've climbed the highest mountain. Swam a filthy sea. There's been ups and there's been downs. And there was very nearly one fatal casualty – my longstanding love of a Wire song. - Indoor Miner

 Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. - PostLibyan

  ACK! Let's play How-Much-Of-Bjork's-Nostril-Can-I-Fit-On-The-Screen, Mr. Lars! - Silvergeek

  I was left pondering the pool cue, whose presence bothered me more and more as time progressed. - Tracers

  One difference is that, this being France, the cheap beer is even crappier. - PostLibyan

  Every movie this summer has been like getting a toaster that doesn't actually toast, but the instructions say it will organize your spice rack and make tasteful wine suggestions, but damned if you can figure out what it's saying. Or something like that. I need an editor. - Squid

   It's art, dammit. - Malimus

Related Links:
  Other links relating to EvilSponge's Tenth Anniversary:
Statistics on EvilSponge's web presence.
The danger of being a music reviewer.
The EvilSponge Family Photo.
PostLibyan's essay on the nature of EvilSponge.
Malimus's essay on the first decade of EvilSponge.
Indoor Miner's list of the 25 best records of the decade.
Indoor Miner's list of the 100 best songs of the decade.
Meta commentary.
Best quotes from our first 10 years.

Various Minions list Records that Stay Near the Stereo.
Various Minions collect anecdotes about the music biz.

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